Halloween is here. Another less important holiday I missed last year while a guest at Hotel MGH (Mass General Hospital). On Halloween, I always think of 4 years ago. Mark and I taking our new baby home from the hospital. Driving through the streets of Newton and seeing all the tricker treaters out and about. It was nothing less than surreal. I was so terrified of the pain of child birth. I didn't think it was something I would be able to do. But, I did it. Once I decided I wanted to be a mom and I got pregnant, I had no choice really. Much like the cancer. People tell me I am brave. But, when it gets down to it, did I really have a choice? I had to go through the treatments if I wanted to live. I had to endure the pain if I wanted to be around for my family. Cancer leaves you with very few choices.
So, I dug out a picture of my favorite Halloween costume ever. Me as a hooker and Mark as a pimp. Classic. It is strange to see pictures of the "old" me, the pre-cancer me. I feel disconnected to that woman. Her worries were small and her health was never an issue. She stressed about work deadlines, losing weight and relationships. A distant shadow of who I used to be. Last night, Mark listened to the messages on the voicemail. He said to me, "Hey, do you realize the recording you have on here is from before you had cancer?" I guess it never really occurred to me. But, that's kinda how it goes. I live among my own ghosts. Reminders of easier days. I never really know when they will pop up but they do from time to time. Some days, they are a welcome reminder that my entire life hasn't been about cancer. Other days they make me sad. Sad that my life has become so consumed but this thing that is so out of my control. And, on really good days, it reminds me that maybe, just maybe, I could get back to being that woman in the picture.
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