Cancer is pervasive in many ways. There is the physical. It invades your body, trying to wiggle it's way in to every crack and crevasse. That one whacked out cell that just decides to multiply and spread. It is thoughtless and clumsy. It is a monster lurking is unknown places. Where is it now? Is it gone? If so, is it gone for good? Worry, anxiety, fear...the second invasion. Cancer creeps.
I often say to my husband, "I just want to be normal." His reply, "Normal? You were never normal, you Bird." (Bird is one of his nicknames for me) He says it to lighten the moment and to remind me, what the hell is normal anyway? For me, well, I know what it is. Normal is the day I wake up and the first thought in my head isn't, "I had leukemia." It's the day where something doesn't remind me how close I was to death. Normal is the day I don't have to down a mountain of pills to keep me from getting sick. It's the day when all the anxiety falls away and I am left with a life free from cancer's pervasive grip. Is that possible? Will I ever truly believe the cancer is gone for good even if I reach the 5 year mark? I remind myself daily that, as it stands right now, I have been given the tools to survive. I had the BMT, so far things are clear. My doctors are quite pleased with my recovery. I have everything I need to ultimately survive and live a "normal" life. So, will that ever be? I know the answer. No matter how you frame it, my life is forever changed.
Yesterday had a bit of a sparkle for me. It had a feeling of routine, a sense of average. I wasn't in much pain at all. The new meds seem to be working. I had a meeting at Clarks to discuss the next season, Spring '11. My daughter drew me a great picture at school. I watched House, my favorite show. The day shined in it's normalcy. On FB I posted, "Today was nothing special. Just an average day. But, that is what made it truly beautiful. I am just plain happy." I think that says it all.
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