Reclaiming Me

For a long time now, every since this ordeal started, I have felt very much like a stranger in my own body. All the drugs, the transplant, losing my hair, being weak and fragile, GVHD...it's an endless list of things that have changed my body forever in to something I have a hard time recognizing some days. It has been hard to believe in my body again, to invest in it, to trust it. I am the cautious long time friend that once got burned and has now instituted the, "Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" rule. I have never blamed my body for what happened, In fact quite the contrary. I have often felt sad for my body and all that it's been through. But, that has little effect on how I view my body. Before I was diagnosed, I worked out, got weekly massages and loved to get a good hair cut at a nice salon. Things most women love. While I was sick, I had no hair to cut, no immune system to allow me to go get a massage, no strength to lift those weights. All that was put on hold until further notice. As time has passed, I have been given the green light to go and reclaim these things I loved. In fact, many of these things I was able to go and do months ago. So, why didn't I? What stopped me? I knew what was holding me back but hated to admit it. The trust was gone. My long time friend was now a stranger that had burned me in the past. How could I invest in this damaged body? How could I ever believe it was worth anything again? My beautiful hair came back different, my body is stiff from the GVHD, my skin has a different texture, so many things, big and small, are not what used to be me. How would I ever find my way back to me?


Time helps, time heals, time offers perspective. I guess sometimes you just have to look at it from the other perspective. This body, while so dramatically different from the old me, is still here. It is alive and kicking. It fought hard for so, so long. It is still fighting right now. Fighting to keep me well, fight to give me a life and to keep me here with my family. There were many times my body could have just given up. That would have been easier. But, it didn't. In fact, quite the opposite. No, this body fought like hell and it deserves a little love. So, I have finally found my way back to my body. Not completely, but, I have started the journey. I am now back to getting my weekly massages. I got the best damn cut, color and straightening for my hair. I now get pedicures, (something I didn't do before I got sick!) I have even started to work out again. This is a bit harder because of the stiffness. But, I do what I can. I have truly begun to reclaim me.