Anxiety...Does It Ever End?

A Plymouth Sunset, taken on Sunday from the breakwater while visiting my dear friend Em. Living life.......


Last week I had a check up with my doctor. It had been 6 weeks since I had been in. Every time I am in now I always lobby for more time between visits. My rational is if I can go longer between visits, the better I must be doing. But, I have discovered this can be a double edged sword. Take this last 6 weeks. While up in Maine on vacation my daughter got sick. Just an average, run of the mill cold. Well, I caught whatever she had. I was feeling a bit crumby but I actually got over it with very little incident. But, my anxiety went in to overdrive.....racing thoughts....I'm getting sick again....I'm away from my doctor....I've been doing too well.....it's all going to come crashing down again.....this is the beginning of the end. I wanted to know everything was ok. Needless to say, by the time I did go in to see my doctor, 2 weeks after vacation, I was nervous. I prepared myself for him to say, "Jules, we're going to have to admit you today. You can't go home." But, it was all ok. Relief. I told Dr. Attar how anxious I was. He kindly asked if I wanted to come in more often to easy my mind. I knew this was not the solution. I told him "No, this is my new reality. I NEED to get used to it." And, he gave me another 6 week reprieve. In fact, the only reason I need to go in at 6 weeks is because of my liver. My level are still elevated because of the GVHD but stable. As Dr. Attar said, I have the kidneys of a 17 year old :), the liver of a 21 year old the morning after the 21st birthday and the blood of.......wait for it.......the blood a cheetah. He's such a comedian. If he weren't a doctor he should do stand up. And so it goes...the new rhythm of my life. I need get used to it. I don't know if I will ever believe I am on stable ground no matter how far out from transplant I am. I think there will always be a part of me that is acutely aware that it could all come crashing down in a moment. Can you ever get comfortable with that? I don't know. But, what I do know is that I need to live life. If I wait for things to come crashing down again I will miss all the time I have now.