Breaking point?

What a couple of weeks. How to even describe it? I feel run over, chewed up, spit out, exhausted, anxious, and 100% completely tired of dealing with the whole thing. This GVHD is just, well, it's too much. For the first time ever, I am actually scared that the cramps and stiffness I feel in my hands could keep me from working. As previously mentioned, I am back on Prednisone. That has helped with the stiffness. But, the cramps got way out of control. So, my doctor, not really sure it would help, said, "Let's try Rituxan." Rituxan is done through transfusion. 4 times over 4 weeks. Not a pill I could just pop. So, last Friday I went in and got my first transfusion. The cramps have subsided. Ahhh, relief. But, of course, I lowered the Prednisone and *BANG* the stiffness came back. So, I upped it again today after consulting with my doctor. He is hopeful though that the Rituxan will take care of the stiffness and the cramps. It will be a relief to be able to be off the Prednisone.

But, all and all, I am just plain tired. Tired of feeling like crap. Tired of running to clinic. Tired of taking piles of pills. Tired of being a cancer patient. Tired, tired, TIRED!!! I just don't want to do this anymore. As I've said before, cancer leaves you with very few choices. I don't want to give the wrong impression. Even with all the stuff that's been happening. Overall, I am doing well. I'm just losing sight of that right now. Constant pain has that effect. I need to dig deep and find a bit more strength. It's tough but, I need to.... or else I might just go crazy.